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August 30, 2013

a eulogy for my hair straightener.

Dear wet 'n' wild wet2straight 1.5 inch hair straightener,

When we met back in 2008 and I brought you home with me to my dorm in lavis hall, I couldn't have known how close we would become over the course of your lifetime.

As far as hair straighteners go, you were the bees knees and a trooper at that. You flew with me countless times to England and back to see rich, to Puerto Rico, Spain, and a few others. You were a jet setter and a road tripper at heart, nothing made you happier than getting tucked next to the sequined make up pouch in my bag. Not to mention how you came to camp summer '08 and '09 only to wait patiently for me to use you once a week on my night out.

In life you were one of my go tos, a friend who was sure to tell me that my hair looked like crap and to give it a run through your steamy plates. As the years went by and those plates began to wear, you were still my number one girl. I was not ready to say goodbye to you, dear straightener, but like all of us, your time arrived. It was just too soon. Nothing could have prepared me for the grief that I am now feeling, having held you in my hand on most days for the last five years. You were good to me old friend, so I will grieve for you now and pray for your reincarnation so that you may one day be as good of a friend to someone else's unruly locks as you were to mine.

When you went quietly this morning, halfway through my am straightening routine (that is, left side of the head smooth, right side still fluffy with bed head) I cursed the gods of the morning for bringing me down in yet another way. At least it isn't Monday, I thought. But then something else happened- reality set in and suddenly I was in mourning. My flat and snappy friend was no more. I wrapped your cord slowly around your body so as not to disturb you in your eternal sleep, and I placed you into your Vera Bradley quilted case patterned in Bali gold, a friend of mine older than even you. I slid you into your spot in the draw, wiped away a tear, and baby powdered the crap out of my hair because I was running late for work, as usual.

All I could think of the whole day was you laying all alone in that draw, lifeless, and because life must always go forward, I was wondering what the heck I was going to do with my hair all week in this heat. I am saddened to tell you my dear old friend, that I had to replace you before you even had a chance to get cold (except that's not true, because in these late days of your life you spent more time cold than hot, your basic function no longer easy for you to maintain).

Upon arriving to bed bath and beyond with a 20% coupon in hand, I knew that I only had one chance to replace you and in only one store because I had a froyo/pretty little liars date with the girls. And then I saw her, a hot pink number named Chi, and she was my only option. I went through the pros and cons of her in my head, realized she was the only way my hair was going to look normal this week, and brought her to the checkout counter.
I am nervous wet2straight, because I am afraid that chi won't be able to do the job. She is much thinner than you, and I know you hate skinny bitches as much as I do. But the show must go on, and she will certainly be put to the test. She has a big cord to fill, and even if she is only half the straightener you were, I will consider myself lucky.

So this is my farewell, old friend. We all have to say goodbye to the ones we love sooner or later, I am just torn up about saying it to you sooner. These last five years have been pure magic, and my hair may never be the same again. Thank you for the good times, wet2straight, I'll see you on the other side.

Love always,

p.s. I just gave Chi her first run and MAN is she awesome. My hair feels amazing and I don't think I could ever look back now! Sayonara girlfriend!  

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